The past month has been the most challenging month I've lived through thus far. A part of me feels like it should have been harder and I'm not sure if that's just me being masochistic. I'm not saying that it's been easy. Oh no, definitely not at all. I just think I've reached that point where I've gotten so used to the worst that I can't tell how bad it is anymore. You know like how you see yourself in the mirror everyday and never ever notice the change you undergo until some unimportant, snarky person comments on it. Ah, I see. That's what it was.
I've been ruminating on the importance of communication and how it affects people in such dramatic ways. We all know babies die without physical contact and love, don't we? I've never consciously connected that to people around me. Sure, maybe our hearts don't actually give out and we're not lying on the cold hard floor but I've come to realize that there are lots of people already dead out there. The truth is, I've been really hard on myself these few weeks. I can't really explain it but I will try for the sake of my sanity and whatever else I'm still holding on to. I'm fine. I look around me and then I look at myself and I'm in no position to say I'm not fine. So I'm saying that I'm fine but I'm not belittling my problems.
I would consider myself an empathetic person. By whose standards, I cannot say but I am generally more inclined to empathise with people. I don't pride myself in it and sometimes I despise myself for it. It doesn't always work out well for me but it is something that I've accepted as part of my personality. What I hate is, I can't seem to control it. I've been very selfish this past month. I've been unreasonably harsh and stingy with affection. I've been very cruel with and without words. When did I become so cold?
When I'm angry, I drop everything and run away. I go away to a place where it's just me and myself and I calm down. Someone once told me you can't take back the things you've said, everyone knows that and I'm afraid of saying the wrong things so I choose to say nothing at all. Today, I see it clearer than I've ever seen it. It's funny, I've always thought that it would be me to say the unthinkable but it's not me, it's you. I don't think I will ever let you take back what you've said. I'm sorry but it echoes in my head when I look at you. When I'm alone, it hisses in my ear like a demon and I hate you for it. Maybe I'm being over dramatic. Maybe. I accept it if it is true. I'm not always right, nobody is always right. If I'm wrong go ahead and correct me, but no matter what people say, they always mean it. The moment the words tumble out of your unconscious lips, it's done. Whatever the words maybe, they are true. Perhaps not factually so, it would be very unreasonable to say everything people say is true. But I mean true in the way that you mean it and if it were a lie, it was completely and solely your intention to lie and that makes the act of it true. You can't take it back. Do I make sense? It's okay. This isn't for you. It's for me.
I'm not really sure why I'm writing this, it's a bit of a mess. Maybe I'm trying to say sorry. Normally, I'm quite good at saying sorry. I like to believe I can accept my wrongdoings and move on. But you won't let me move on. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for being so hateful when you're struggling too. I'm sorry I'm not patient enough. I'm sorry I'm not mature enough or compassionate enough. I'm sorry I despise the way you behave. I'm sorry for belittling your struggles and making them seem like it's nothing. I don't know how to do this. This is new to me. I don't know what to say or do for you. I'm sorry I run away when it happens, I despise myself for being able to shut you out. I sometimes wonder if it's because you don't mean anything to me but then I quickly brush it away.
I'm also sorry to myself for apologising so much. Parts of me, the selfish parts anyway, hates you for ruining my happy ending. Why can't you be the mature one? Why does it have to be me? Why me?
I'm feeling a frighting range of emotions.
I'm good at being fine. I just block everything out and remove myself from the picture. I continue living and I leave you behind. There is a part of me that hates myself for being this way, but it's a small part.
Alive, of sorts. Hello, hello, hello again. I have finished my foundation year! We'll leave the nostalgia to never. Let's small talk a little. I have missed rambling. I'm starting to realize that it's very inherent to my personality. Twice I was explaining something to two separate friends and they listened till I was done, then they told me that they actually already knew. I was like, "Dude why did you let me explain the whole damn thing then??!!?" and they were like, "But you looked so happy and enthusiastic explaining, we didn't want to interrupt you." I didn't know what to say to them. I kind of just stared at them in defeat. Now I'm oddly cautious about getting too into talking about something. ... don't want to look too enthusiastic.
But I am enthusiastic; I'm enthusiastic about too many things. I feel like it makes them seem not very important because I enthuse about everything but let me just say here right now, that everything I enthuse about is very important to me (however small and trivial it may be). So... I changed my hair colour! Again! I was going to a very ashy grey but then at the salon they were saying about how I'd have to bleach my entire head and the last time I bleached my hair it was a disaster and my hair felt like rafia string. It is not an experience I want to relive. There was much deliberation and a bit of arguing at the salon, all in good fun. The stylists are my friends so, all was good. I don't think it came out as grey as I intended it to be, but I'm happy with it. So is Ryan, I think. I know he's developed an unconscious fear of me doing wild things to my hair. I've done it before so I guess it makes sense that he thinks I would do it again.
Preparing for ADM FOC 2015 has been a huge rollercoaster ride. If anyone reading this is being enrolled this year, you guys better join camp. My literal sweat and metaphorical blood has been shed for this. It will be an awesome camp I promise! To those who aren't coming in and are gleeful spectators, I will post pictures of camp after it is over. Camp is 12-17 July, so look out for it.
In other news about school, I just moved out of Hall. It was a maddening experience. I did not enjoy it. I never realized how much stuff I had in hall until 3 hours before I had to move out. Let me just say now, Hall 8 (my hall) has a gross amount of stairs. The whole architecture of it makes no sense and level two is not actually level two. Basically lugging my shit down endless flights of stairs was not fun and if I have to stay in hall again next year, I'm bringing as little as possible with me. It truly is a frightening thing.
I will now add a bunch of photos to sum up the time I was an absentee mother to this blog.
Err.. I realize I don't have enough photos to make a bunch (sweats nervously)
Anyway, I've added new links on the top right; I'm more active on those.