Monday, December 15, 2014

Is This Going To Last?

I've just had a rather strange holiday. It didn't feel like much of a holiday, flying to and a half hours to the other side of Malaysia. It wasn't what I expected, I didn't expect much. But I had delicious food and beautiful scenery, I suppose that's all that really matters. Most of the time, I spent reading and unconsciously reflecting. In fact, it's pretty fair to say I spent the whole week lost in thought. Side effects of nature? 

I went on a treetop walk. Saw a bunch of proboscis monkeys in their natural habitat. Existed in a magical time and witnessed fireflies in pitch darkness. It is when you are in awe and overwhelmed by something beyond your control that you start to reflect on yourself. Inevitable, really. 

So, I spent my free time on the holiday browsing fanfiction(I was feeling sentimental). For people who don't know what it is, it's basically a site where people are free to write whatever they want in an already existing universe. For example, people can write stories revolving around the Harry Potter world. It's a place where anyone can write anything and it's a form of free expression, I suppose. It's called fanfiction because, if it isn't quite that obvious enough, it's for fans to write fiction. I used to read and write on the site back in the day like... in 2008 and in the spur of the moment, I decided to log into my account and browse. 

You know, it was so weird. It was like looking through someone's underwear drawer(not that I've ever looked an anyone's underwear drawer, obviously). Writing is so personal and when I reread some of the fiction I wrote on a whim, it was so strange. I have changed. Yeah people change all the time and it's nothing new but reliving the past in the form of writing just takes you back. To be honest, it's why I write so much. Not just here, on this blog but in my diary as well. I discovered the wonders of writing very early. It's like your own time capsule. A part of you, your thoughts and your whole being is documented down when you write, even if just for a fraction in time. Anyway back to the site, I read through some stories, some complete, some completely abandoned and it was difficult to ignore how light hearted and jovial they were. Was I ever that carefree? It feels weird. I know when I write now, it has this rather... sober and stoic tone to it. You don't have to tell me, I know it. I know it when I write and sometimes when I blog, I wonder if I'm coming across as too depressing because it honestly isn't my intention.

What happened to me? I want to be delirious on the idea of happy endings again.

I know that back then, writing came easy to me, like breathing. Now I find myself hesitating and I'm almost unable to settle on a single thought and deliver because there is just too much on my mind. Wow, did I just imply that there was nothing on my mind back then? Hah! I don't know, I've been feeling rather down about what a downer I am. Aaaaaaannnd two negatives make a positive so I am thus saved from myself (as if). But really now, words don't come easy to me anymore. Expressing myself eloquently has become a bit of a task. This must be due to six years of stagnant imagination! (proof from my fanfiction account) I guess when you stop practising something, you don't just not improve, you lose what you previously had. I feel like the titanic of the writing world. I'm sinking. 

But ah! There is a bright side, there always is a silver lining. I've been reading some phenomenal stories and I am so inspired. My finger itch to write and my brain is clogged by plot bunnies. I MUST WRITE.

There is much too much reflecting in this post. I apologize.

Before I go:
Contrary to the fact that I don't blog very often, I actually really enjoy writing. Unfortunately, I associate my blog with something like a... well... a formal way of documentation? Posts are almost 99% accompanied by pictures that have been resized and scaled to the width of the blog. Basically, every post requires, even if a little, effort. Sometimes that steers me away from blogging. Anyway, what I really want to say is, I created a dayre account so that I have an outlet to rant, of sorts. If you like reading rabbles and drabbles then I would like to direct you here

That's it for now. 
See you in the next one.

Sunday, November 30, 2014


Just got back from church. Haven't been in a while due to personal reasons but I'm glad I went back today. It was freezing in the auditorium though. Now I have an itch in my nose that won't go away. 

Been spending some serious stress-free time with this stud.

^ favourite people in uni ^
You know your friendship is legit when you actually take time to meet up when school's out.


Friday, November 28, 2014


There is no greater joy that visiting exhibitions on a weekend with my other half. Finally took a trip down to the Art Science Museum to see the Leonardo Da Vinci exhibition and Ocean of Possibilities. Regrettably, we had to rush through the last few part of Da Vinci because we had movie plans after. I would recommend the exhibitions but to put things fairly, I know of some people who found it boring. I suppose it really depends on you yourself. Taking art history in uni really got me interested in the artist behind the art and the meanings so I thoroughly enjoyed it. Also, Ocean of Possibilities was very beautiful. If you love photography, you should definitely take a look. 

The movie buff in me is in heaven. I just watched Mockingjay, Interstellar and Big Hero 6 and wow. Mockingjay was emotional for me because I've read all the books and watched the first two parts and unintentionally have become very emotionally invested in this series. I realize that people who don't feel as much for it would think that Mockingjay is boring and unnecessarily depressing. I think it's essential to watch the previous two movies to fully appreciate Mockingjay. I liked it, I was very mopey about the whole movie. 

Interstellar was mind-blowing. I cannot emphasise it enough. If you haven't thought about watching it, watch it. If you loved Inception, you would love Interstellar. It was such a surprise, such a jem. I loved it so much. Every bit of it was perfectly executed. It's the kind of movie that leaves you wanting more. The kind that makes you sit in your chair and zone out when the credits roll because you're still processing what just happened. It is epic. All other sci-fi writers got to step up their game. 

Lastly, Big Hero 6 was beautiful. It's a first for Disney, making a very asian like modern setting. So many beautiful asian things in the animation, I just love it all. I suppose it's basically a movie about overcoming loss and heartache. You know what they do best. Side note: Daniel Henney voices Tadashi. (swoon)

Wednesday, November 19, 2014


Finally done with my first semester of university. These past few months have been a real challenge for me. I was perhaps about 85% sure about my choice of university when I applied and as the weeks went past the percentage just dwindled at an alarming rate. I pretty much reached 8%. I was 8% sure I was in the right place, that is basically saying, I have no idea what I'm doing in ADM. 

I'm sure some people just think I'm ungrateful and selfish for thinking this way. I got a place in university and here I am doubting everything under the sun but those are my honest feelings. I had expectations when I entered ADM. I expected an art school but I got a design school. Nothing is wrong with that, of course. But I wanted an art school. Imagine my complete and utter dismay when they said that ADM is slowly transiting into a design school and it's dropping it's fine art element. All I could think of was, I'm in the wrong place. I look around and my peers are loving school. It was so hard for me to get into it. Sure, I do my assignments and all but ultimately, I kind of despised the whole thing. I'm slowly accepting that I probably chose the wrong school and I should have gone overseas but I'm accepting it. 

There is nothing you can learn that is useless, I suppose. But wow, when I say it was hard for me, it was hard for me. I've learnt a lot of things about myself in these few months. I now know that I'm exceptionally lazy. Hah! What a shocker. But seriously, I'm not lazy in the way that I don't want to do my work but I'm lazy in the way that I do it once and I won't do it again. It's terrible work ethics, I know. But I've realized that I show dedication and only become meticulous about my work when I enjoy it. Out of the countless of assignments that I've submitted, I've only truly put in what I think it my best in two of the assignments. One of which, if you read my blog constantly, you would have seen my post-internet art assignment. I felt like the rest of the assignments I got were a chore, they were tedious and some of them (to me, this is completely subjective) were pointless and ridiculous. It's so hard for me to put in effort in something I don't like. I wish I could just force it but I'm such a nuisance to myself because I can't. 

I think I got a bit anti-social these few months. Ryan was telling me to go out there and live it but all I wanted to do was go back under the sheets and stay there. I hated everything. I embodied grumpy cat, I was the most irritable, unattractive, unhappy person alive. Ah, life is hard when nothing goes your way. It's kind of funny now.

I can literally hear people telling me to suck it up. I am sucking it up. This is me sucking it up and resigning to my fate. I can't choose everything I want to do and I definitely won't get to do everything I want to do but I can work with what I have. This was a personal struggle, one I didn't really voice out because in my head, it sounded very childish. Anyway, in this semester, I've met some really shitty people. They've probably contributed to my dislike for school but I have met very wonderful people as well. The first few weeks of school were excruciating, there was this awful person with a terrible personality, saying and doing horrible things... I just could not deal. This person wins most terrible person I've met in university, congratulations. You know, finding new friends is like playing that shark game where you press the teeth and see if it bites you. Hah! I just made finding friends sound awful. You know what I mean. I'm trying to say, I've found some pretty decent friends and I love them. They made school so much better than it would have been and I've had fun despite not having fun. So... I don't know if you guys will read this but, Su-Lynn and Chia Tong, I love you both. Ya'll are the straw to my berry and the spag to my ghetti. 

Oh yes. I love my roommate too. Amanda, you're the She's the most considerate and sweet night owl ever. Sometimes I irritate her by waking up too early and sleeping too early but she's still super sweet to me. Ah, when I think about it, I actually have very wonderful people around me. I must learn to see more of that and less of shitty people. 

Thank you everyone who didn't run from me when I was a horrible person these few months. 
Shout out to my ldr in Vancouver, Gracia I love you too.

I'm so happy it's all over! 

Tuesday, November 11, 2014

week 13

It's week 13 aka. last week of school, also known as hell week. We're in the thick of it. I just officially finished one module. Tomorrow I finish two others with a big presentation and a 40% exam. Friday, I finish another and then the following Monday and Tuesday, two more.