I've just had a rather strange holiday. It didn't feel like much of a holiday, flying to and a half hours to the other side of Malaysia. It wasn't what I expected, I didn't expect much. But I had delicious food and beautiful scenery, I suppose that's all that really matters. Most of the time, I spent reading and unconsciously reflecting. In fact, it's pretty fair to say I spent the whole week lost in thought. Side effects of nature?
I went on a treetop walk. Saw a bunch of proboscis monkeys in their natural habitat. Existed in a magical time and witnessed fireflies in pitch darkness. It is when you are in awe and overwhelmed by something beyond your control that you start to reflect on yourself. Inevitable, really.
So, I spent my free time on the holiday browsing fanfiction(I was feeling sentimental). For people who don't know what it is, it's basically a site where people are free to write whatever they want in an already existing universe. For example, people can write stories revolving around the Harry Potter world. It's a place where anyone can write anything and it's a form of free expression, I suppose. It's called fanfiction because, if it isn't quite that obvious enough, it's for fans to write fiction. I used to read and write on the site back in the day like... in 2008 and in the spur of the moment, I decided to log into my account and browse.
You know, it was so weird. It was like looking through someone's underwear drawer(not that I've ever looked an anyone's underwear drawer, obviously). Writing is so personal and when I reread some of the fiction I wrote on a whim, it was so strange. I have changed. Yeah people change all the time and it's nothing new but reliving the past in the form of writing just takes you back. To be honest, it's why I write so much. Not just here, on this blog but in my diary as well. I discovered the wonders of writing very early. It's like your own time capsule. A part of you, your thoughts and your whole being is documented down when you write, even if just for a fraction in time. Anyway back to the site, I read through some stories, some complete, some completely abandoned and it was difficult to ignore how light hearted and jovial they were. Was I ever that carefree? It feels weird. I know when I write now, it has this rather... sober and stoic tone to it. You don't have to tell me, I know it. I know it when I write and sometimes when I blog, I wonder if I'm coming across as too depressing because it honestly isn't my intention.
What happened to me? I want to be delirious on the idea of happy endings again.
I know that back then, writing came easy to me, like breathing. Now I find myself hesitating and I'm almost unable to settle on a single thought and deliver because there is just too much on my mind. Wow, did I just imply that there was nothing on my mind back then? Hah! I don't know, I've been feeling rather down about what a downer I am. Aaaaaaannnd two negatives make a positive so I am thus saved from myself (as if). But really now, words don't come easy to me anymore. Expressing myself eloquently has become a bit of a task. This must be due to six years of stagnant imagination! (proof from my fanfiction account) I guess when you stop practising something, you don't just not improve, you lose what you previously had. I feel like the titanic of the writing world. I'm sinking.
But ah! There is a bright side, there always is a silver lining. I've been reading some phenomenal stories and I am so inspired. My finger itch to write and my brain is clogged by plot bunnies. I MUST WRITE.
There is much too much reflecting in this post. I apologize.
Before I go:
Contrary to the fact that I don't blog very often, I actually really enjoy writing. Unfortunately, I associate my blog with something like a... well... a formal way of documentation? Posts are almost 99% accompanied by pictures that have been resized and scaled to the width of the blog. Basically, every post requires, even if a little, effort. Sometimes that steers me away from blogging. Anyway, what I really want to say is, I created a dayre account so that I have an outlet to rant, of sorts. If you like reading rabbles and drabbles then I would like to direct you here.
That's it for now.
See you in the next one.